Duplicity

I feel like a prism with thousands of facets and each one reflects itself leaving me uncertain.

I love to backpack,
but coming back I always want to shower, dress up, and do something feminine.

An empty, quiet sanctuary is one of the most holy places to me,
but I have been immensely blessed by participating in large group praise music, hands raised in joyous praise.

I value honesty in myself and others,
but I am afraid to unveil my heart. Even if I want to say something personal it takes me a long time to warm up to it and if the moment isn’t right it gets stuck inside of me.

I love the country. The beauty of the dawn and dusk as it relaxes the soul.
But the city calls to me sometimes. Like when I see “New York City 115 miles”.

I want to look fashionable (and slightly envy those who always look put-to-gether),
but often just want to wear jeans and a tee-shirt.

I miss my friends,
but have a hard time picking up the phone.

I want friends,
but wonder if it’s worth all the effort just to find out the friendships aren’t real.

And if I had taken different road I would be...

a ballet dancer
a neonatologist
an astronomer
a social worker
a pastor

or...something I could never imagine

living in the city
living abroad

speaking foreign languages with easy and fluency.


Sometimes I wonder about what I would be if I wasn’t so mixed up and just took one way or the other.

If I was fashionable, living in New York as a ballet dancer.

Or if I was a backpacking social worker living in India working to help the children.

When Matthew and I are driving I look out at the passing scenery and wonder at who I am and where I am and wondering if this is who/where I am supposed to be or if it is somewhere else.