Expedition

I started a new journal this week.  I finished one and needed another one.  I found one I have been wanting to write in but the journal is a bit intimidating.  Thick handmade paper, no lines.  It feels important.  I want to let the day be important when I write in it.

Part of me still wanted to change journals this morning.  After all the first day I wrote only two sentences (it was that kind of day).  But I felt like maybe this was the time.  This was the time for an expedition year.  A year where God continues to renew me and we begin a expedition together. 

I've never written in a journal with no lines.  I tend to slant when I write.  I don't remember ever journaling on paper like this either.  I am sensory oriented though and I like the feel of the leather, the feel of opening it and touching the textured paper.  I like the scratch feel of the ink pen on paper. 

I am starting to feel again. So perhaps it is hope that makes me ready to take a plunge into this journal.  The expedition of my heart and soul. 

Pay attention to what makes you cry.  I have heard this before from multiple sources. Podcast. Book.  Maybe somewhere else too. 

I haven't been able to cry for almost three years.  (Except that one time I came off my meds completely and couldn't stop crying.  The dam of emotions that had been block became a flood I couldn't control or stop.)  So I didn't know what to pay attention to.  I only knew that I was flat.  Dull.  Depressed (still).  Anxious (still).  And I still wanted to numb myself. 

Since the changes.  My eyes have begun to sting with tears more often.  I am moved to tears by:
touch of paper and pen
music
words written
words spoken
my son cuddled against me
my daughter's bravery
my sins and failures
the nearness of God
God's love for me
my husband's love and kindness
silence

I find myself surprised by my emotions that have been coming.  I am thankful for each of these. Thankful for the depth I find I still have in me.  Thankful for God's nearness that I just couldn't sense. 

I kissed Matthew goodbye today and he laughed and said, "Whatever you are doing, your seeds or whatever, keep doing it."

I laughed and felt joy spill over. 

I am so thankful. Incredibly thankful.